Why Moms Feel Like They've Lost Their Identity

We've all heard about it and most of us moms have experienced it. Initially, I'd thought about writing something fun for my first blog entry. But then, during the set-up of this site, it took me almost 3 hours to find a picture of myself where I was alone, and the one I found was more than 5 years old! So, I wanted to start by talking about this very important issue.

When I got married, my priorities underwent a massive shift. My family, my lifestyle, and most of my dreams, all took a backseat to one simple thing - wanting to make my husband happy. As my marriage progressed and navigated the challenges of being married into a very conservative family, and being a military spouse, I found myself playing a silent, yet supportive role to my husband. The silent part was an difficult, internal battle as my personality is very outspoken and dominant!

Then, I became a mother - and my priorities shifted once more. Everything suddenly revolved around this tiny little being.

I knew of mothers that had devoted their entire lives to their children, and then some that were completely unable to cope when their children needed to start lives of their own. From what I saw, it led to unhappiness all around, and so I knew it was very important for me to find the right balance with my son from the very beginning. I, personally, did not want to become the mother who's life revolved only around her child.

But even though I was armed with that awareness, almost 4 years in, I find myself struggling to become the person I was before I became a mom. When I come across an old picture of myself, I find that I can recall in utmost detail the small things about that time in my life - the kind of music I liked to listen to, the kind of clothes I liked to wear, the kind of food I liked to eat, what movie was my favorite, who I liked to spend my time with...you get the idea. But now, I have trouble with the most straight forward questions - What was the last movie I watched in its entirety in one sitting? What was the last book I read (and actually finished)? What do I like to do in my free time? When was the last time I went to a concert (or any event) by myself? The list goes on.

Motherhood is a phenomenal experience that teaches you about unconditional love more than anything else in the world. You love a person, from before they are even born, more than you will ever love anyone else, including yourself. Perhaps that is a reason that most moms commit to the dive and then find it difficult to come up for air.

There are so many reasons why moms find it hard to hold on to their own identity when they embrace motherhood, and why at some point they experience symptoms of burnout. Here are a few -

• Mothers are on call 24/7. From the minute the baby is born, motherhood is more than just a full time job. From diaper changes and feeds, to tiffin planning, homework assistance and chasing away nightmares. Mothers. are. always. on. call. The time we used to take out to call and catch up with a friend or sneak in a nap is taken over by playing snakes and ladders for the 100th time or two-hour long meal times. Most of the time, I'm so exhausted, I'm on auto-mode - once I walked into the bathroom, placed my son's potty seat on the toilet and sat down to pee!

• Some give up their professional identity. Although I loved my career, I knew early on in my marriage that I wanted to be a stay at home mom for the early years of my child's life. And even though I absolutely love being a mom and I can definitely see the positive impact that my full time presence has had on my child, the part of my personality that thrived and felt valued from helping others heal (as a physical therapist) has taken a definite hit.

• You lose your freedom. There was a time when you slept in on the weekends, may be woke up to make yourself a bowl of Maggie, and then binge-watched the new season of The Vampire Diaries, all without a care in the world. No more! After you become a mom, your every move is directly connected with what your kids are doing, and what is best for them. This includes your routines, what you eat, what you watch, what you listen to, what you do with your "spare" time...so basically, everything.

• You don't make time for yourself. There is a reason 'the mom bun' is so popular! Moms usually choose to complete child-care or household tasks before they take time out for themselves, even for something as routine as a bath! You wake up, freshen up, tie your hair in a bun, and get started on the things you have to get done that day - sound familiar? Taking the time to wear nice clothes, or even throw on some lip gloss while your 3 year old is screaming bloody murder seems like a silly and pointless thing to do. When you catch your reflection in the mirror at some point during the day - you find it hard to believe that who you are seeing and the girl who sat in the salon for 5 hours to get her hair smoothened are the same person.

So, it is a very real problem. What can we do about it?

• Invest in yourself. Internally and externally. Meditate, read, go for a drive, find some quiet tea time - whatever you need to recharge your batteries. Dress up in a way that makes you feel confident (never mind the multiple outfit changes you'll bring upon yourself if you live with an infant or toddler), get a massage, get a hair spa, shop for some new clothes - do things that make you feel beautiful and confident in your own skin. Feel proud of the woman staring back at you in the mirror; she's doing one hell of a job!

• Get enough sleep. Seriously, as moms, I feel like this is probably the biggest reason we lose our wits during the day. Like I said, moms have no time off, especially those with young kids. Most nights come with diaper changes, bottle or breast feeds, recurring nightmares, or bed wetting issues, just to name a few. Getting enough sleep is so important to maintain your sanity, and your health. Let your child watch a short film and take a power nap, apply some essential oils to shake off the worries of the day and induce sleep faster at bedtime...whatever works for you!

• Stop comparing yourself - with the older you and with other moms. This is another small change that goes a long way. With social media playing the role that it does in our lives, it is easy to start feeling inadequate and incompetent when you see other moms that are always perfectly made up, and doing a hundred different activities to engage their kids every day. You don't know what is going on behind the pictures and it shouldn't even matter. Along the same lines, remember that you have morphed into a strong and enduring woman, from the devil-may-care girl you once were, with a little human relying on you for every little thing. Focus on being the best mom that you can be, and forget about the rest!

• Stay connected. In the current global situation, play dates are more stressful than fun and connecting with other moms while the kids are occupied has become difficult. In these times of isolation, it is more imperative that we stay connected to each other using the technology that we have available. Call and catch up with a friend while your kid's taking a nap, plan a video call and play some games, or join online mom communities where you can share your experiences and frustrations and get ideas on how to deal with them productively.

• Develop a hobby. Hobbies help you relieve stress by engaging you in something that you enjoy and give you a sense of purpose and accomplishment. It doesn't have to be something that you did before you became a mom. I know sometimes going back to old interests can be difficult with the restrictions that come with having kids. So, try something new! Blogging/writing is what I'm trying my hand at. There are so many options out there - mandala art, photography, yoga, baking, gardening, meditation, learning a new language, learning a new skill (I absolutely love Udemy for this), learning an instrument, creating photo/scrap books and so much more!

• Ask for help! This is probably the most obvious yet the most difficult one for me. It is hard to trust your kids with anyone, because you know no one can love them and take care of them like you do. I have a hard time even asking my husband to take over because I know our ways of dealing with our son are so different. But taking time for yourself, to simply take a breath, is super important. Even though it might not feel like it, the feelings of depletion and saturation add up so quickly! So hire some help or call a family member to pitch in - but do what you need to in order to feel better about yourself and you'll be a much better parent.

Although it seems easy enough to list out the fixes, I know they are much harder to implement for real. I'm working on it myself. Every day is a new day and you never know what it will bring. But remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup. Replenish yourself on a daily basis and your kids will definitely see a happier version of you, and in doing that, you are teaching them an important lesson as well :)